Friday, April 5, 2013

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do. . .

Should I sent an email?

A text?

Do it in a phone call?

Or the dreaded in person breakup?

This isn't your typical breakup.  This is about why I need to breakup with Massage Envy.

Yup.  You read that right.  Massage Envy.

The blissful place I've been going for several years on a monthly basis for amazing mediocre massages.

It seemed like a great idea when I became a member.  It was cheap.  The money would automatically come out of my account and it would force me to go once a month.  I really need massages.  For real.  My leg muscles - especially on the right are very tight.  Thanks MS!  My upper back and shoulders always have knots.  Thanks stressful job!  So I really need regular massages.  They make me feel a lot better.

BUT. . .

They don't make me feel that much better when they suck.  And the massages I've been receiving for many, many months suck.  Yup, I just said suck.  Twice.  Deal with it.

This my friends is why I need to break up with Massage Envy.  It may be cheaper than those fancy salons but you get what you pay for.  I'm not really sure why it has taken me SO long to figure this out.

I guess I tried to give them the benefit of the doubt.  Maybe it's me?  Maybe I'm to picky?  Maybe the next date massage will be better.  Nope, nope, nope.  

This is one time where I can say with confidence:

It's not me it's YOU!!!

I've tried.  I've tried really hard.  I've tried two different locations and had massages by 4 different therapists at each.  Some I've gone back to many times.  They've been ok.  Not great but pretty good.  Others have been bad.  Terrible really.

Like the most recent one - on my birthday.  All I wanted was a relaxing massage to help me forget about turning another year older.  Instead I got "the choker."  Yup he tried to choke me.  I've never had a neck and throat massage like that but I hope I never do again.  Dislike.  I asked him for a full body massage.  He massaged my back, neck, shoulders and face.  I guess he considers that full body?  What about my legs and arms buddy!?  Oh and the face massage was just creepy.  But I guess at this point I was just annoyed and wanted it to be done.  I think my neck is still recovering.  This massage will be referred to as the straw that broke the camels back.  AKA the reason I need to break up with Massage Envy.

Some of the other bad dates massages:

The one when the chick talked.THE.ENTIRE.TIME!  As in didn't shut-up.  Stop asking me questions.  I'm trying to relax.  I don't want to make small talk!!!!!

The one when the woman (who was recommended to me by the manager after I complained about the chick above) had nasty stale cigarette breath.  So the whole time I was laying on my back she was breathing on me, in my face and her breath was gross.  Cigarettes = gross.  Not conducive for relaxing massage.  All the mints in the world were not helping her.

The one when the guy had a way different definition of "medium" pressure than I did.  Ouch!  I pretty much was holding my breath the entire massage.  I asked several times for "less pressure."  Clearly we were not speaking the same language.  Oh and the next day I was very sore.  Not fun.

The one when the girl used a lot of lotion.  Like a lot.  Excessive amounts really.  And it was cold.  Again not relaxing.  I felt like I had to towel off at the end.  

So there you have it.  Some examples of my massage experiences.  Can you understand now why I need to break up with Massage Envy?

So yesterday I go onto their website hoping I can do it online.  No such luck.  I call.  She tells me I need to come in and sign a paper.  She also mentions I have one unused massage in my account.  So I figure what the heck - I'll schedule a massage and while I'm there I'll sign the paper.

I made it with my favorite person I've found thus far.  She is actually good.  But she doesn't work that often and it is the location that isn't as easy for me to get to on a week night.  

Oh and the girl on the phone asked me why I wanted to cancel.  I lied.  Played it off like I just needed a break.  Should I admit my real reasons when I go in for the actual breakup? I'm still undecided.

I'll keep you posted.

Have you ever had to breakup with your massage therapist? Hair dresser? Nail person?

Local friends please help. . . where in the Boston area is a good place to go for a massage?  
I need a recommendation!  Please help!!

This is just my experience.  You may have had a great experience at Massage Envy.  I'm sure every location and every therapist is different and I've just had bad luck.  They do not know I'm posting about them and I do not plan on sharing it with them!  I guess I have about the same luck with finding good massages as I do with finding good dates!



  1. Hahaha! I've had a bad stylist before....and just switched to a better one. We move around so much that its bound to happen now and again. Sometimes a person maybe awesome with short hair but put me in front of them and they seem to get nervous...and I just need a trim.

    I think that you should definitely receive relaxation and soothed muscles for the money. If you're just leaving frustrated than that's no good. I would be honest and say that you've given them months worth of chances and tried everything but its not happening. (And this reminds me of the Friends episode of Chandler trying to quit the gym.)

  2. oh girl..i tried massage envy once and it was horrrrible! I never went back. It's so much more worth it to spend the extra money and get a good massage!

  3. I would've told them why I was breaking it off. They should know their product is mediocre! I hope you find someone good who's not too expensive.

  4. Aww, I know you've not been having great luck with Massage Envy - I'm glad you are "breaking up" with it. I wish I knew of better massage places though :( Also I've been so behind going through my blogs, but I caught up on your Blissdom adventures. Great posts :) Sounds like it was a fabulous time!!
    x Abby

  5. haha i was wondering where you were going with this one! I always feel so awkward about things like this- especially with hair stylists.

  6. Omg this post had me dying Jodi you are TOO funny hahaha!!!! I am so sorry you had such poor experiences. I have a WONDERFUl person but she's in Wellesley (she does some of the Red Sox exclusively!)
    If you're ever out my way I'll book you if we can get you in. Have a great weekend girl, it's supposed to be gorgeousss xo

  7. I have done this before...dont know what to do but I slowly stop going when I feel it does not help me. I am not too good at breaking up but hope you can decide what to do better than I can

  8. Yikes! I hate these situations where it's almost impossible to cancel something. I also hate it when they ask you why you are cancelling. I always just say "I don't have room for it in my budget right now. Things are tight and I have to make some cuts" and most of the time they don't come back at me with some thing like "well did you know that I can offer you xyz?" I don't have time fo that crap. lol

  9. Haha, nice post! I'm not a big massage person but I know it can be hard finding someone you like.

    Oh, and hydro massages are giving free massages away the week after taxes are finished, so maybe you could get a free massage. Hopefully you won't get a "choker" or "talker", haha.

  10. Well, I am honest to the point of brutality. I would just tell the therapist that I am not happy with the service, and I am going somewhere else.

  11. I'm sorry you haven't had a good experience there! If you ever come visit I can try to get you an appointment with my massage therapist. She's not cheap but she is worth every. single. penny. I have no idea how she managed to get rid of all my pregnancy pains but she did. She's amazing!

    I hope you find a good one soon!

  12. that is terrible! that choking time sounds like my nightmare!!!

  13. This is a hilarious post! I am sorry about your experience though but the way you wrote about it was quiet entertaining

  14. All right, I have absolutely no advice because I've NEVER gotten a massage! ah! But your descriptions have my laughing and cringing at the same time (also, I no longer feel bad about never having one!) haha

  15. Oh gosh-- that's horrible. I've never been to Massage Envy, only to some other local places. Hope you can find one that's better (and not expensive)!!

  16. Definitely tell them why you're leaving!!

    The thing about Massage Envy is that they'll literally employ anyone straight out of massage school, and they're so busy that they don't check in on their therapists. If they know about your mediocre massages, they'll be able to evaluate better.

    If you don't mind going to Newbury street, check out Beacon Massage - that's where I used to work until I decided 3 jobs was too much haha. They offer a lot of deals. Tell Jason I sent you.